25 August 2011

Have You Ever: Epilogue


... witnessed a miracle?

"Sssh, I just got her to sleep, she's just nodded off," whispered Jack as he cradled his baby daughter of two months in the crook of his arm.

Frederica set the cup of tea on the ledge of the bay window and sat down beside him, looking at their beautiful daughter Amelie.  She had her father's eyes and her mother's nose but she was perfect in every way.  Frederica had taken a few months off work and made Keira partner, to level out the business.  Motherhood brought on many challenges but she wouldn't change it for the world, even if she had only had a couple of nights sleep in the last two months.  They had gotten married in a small ceremony surrounded by their friends and family and had slipped away on a long honeymoon where Jack showed Frederica exactly what being a husband really meant to him. 

Jack turned towards his wife, "She's beautiful, I can't quite believe it."

"She's perfect,"  Frederica smiled at her daughter and up at the man she dearly loved.

"No, honey she isn't perfect at all... she's just like her mother... beautiful and keeping me on my toes," Jack said as he gave Frederica the simplest of kisses.


Have You Ever


... had an epiphany? 

It has been another night in a long list of nights where I just can't seem to fall asleep, my head touches the pillow but I just lie there with my mind racing, going through the motions.  I know enough to know the reason behind this and it's Jack.  I miss him.  He's called once or twice but it hasn't been a long conversation, his excuse has been work but I know that it has to be more then that.  Call it a gut feeling but he's slowly withdrawing from me and I don't know what's worse, the fact that I'm far away from him and we can't have a face to face conversation or the fact that he doesn't really want to move on from this.  The worse thing is, when you start analyzing your life, you realise what's missing and you try every ounce of your being to somehow find something to fill that void and I think that Jack is definitely the man to fill that emptiness.  I have been an independent woman for as long as I can remember and by independent I mean, work has always been my first love and I can't seem to locate that in a man before, let alone a man like Jack. 

I've been over analyzing again, but what do you do when work is on hold and you're here, sat each and everyday with one of your parents, having discussions about life, it can only lead you to think about it.  I'm coming to my thirties and of course, I want some things that most of my friends and family my age have already got; marriage and kids.  Who doesn't want that? Err, I can't take another night like this.  I have to go back to London.  It's almost midnight, I doubt there is anything running at this time of day but if there's a will, there bloody better be a way.

I don't bother about waking my parents, they'd only be shocked at my sudden departure in sweat pants, trainers and a woolly jumper but I have to go back to London.  It's like a life and death mission, something is definitely spurring me on but I don't know quite what it is.  I just have to go.  I leave a note for my parents beside the tea pot because that is where they go regardless of the time they wake up, because they both are tea drinkers and I silently make my way- whichever way back home to London.


"Aww mate you've been working way too long at this, why don't you go home and take a shower, you're really stinking up the place,"  Nate says, leaning against the work top.

"I'm fine, just leave me alone, I'm getting things done, isn't that what you pay me for?"  Jack says, shaping the wood with a bit of sand paper.  

"Yeah, but neglecting your personal hygiene, not seeing grandma... y'know she's been asking about you, why the heck haven't you gone to see her?"  Jack's other brother Michael says.  Michael is tall, broad and is dressed in a tailored suit.

"Look guys, just leave me alone, would ya?" Jack says exasperated.

"Do you know what I think, I think you have issues mate," Nate said.

"My issue here is for the both of you to piss off and leave me alone,"  Jack says.

"Nasty! Let's go grab a beer and you can tell me all about it?" Michael volunteers, he hasn't seen his brother like this since the episode involving Tanya and Nate. 

"Look guys, really, I'm fine, would you just leave me alone please," Jack says.

In surrender Nate shakes his head and leaves, as does Michael before he stops at the door, "Whatever reason it is Jack, you better sort it out before it gets you into trouble."

Jack rolls his eyes and carries on with his work.

"Honestly, out of all us brothers, he's the most stubborn," Nate shakes his head towards Michael.

"Y'know Nate, you really ought to cut him some slack," Michael says, as he walks into the street.

"What does that mean?"

"I don't want to bring back stuff from the past..." Michael starts.

"Not this thing with the girlfriend and two brothers- for fuck's sake, am I always going to be butchered for that?" Nate says in distaste.

"Well, you knew he was happy to begin with... why ruin things for him?" Michael said, as they both stand in the street.

"I don't want to get into this right now Michael,"  Nate said, staring at the floor.

"You bloody better deal with this now- I don't want to see my brothers arguing, been through that enough to know it doesn't always end well."

"The man of wisdom speaks- have you looked in the mirror lately and seen yourself? I mean look at you, you're the oldest out of us brothers but you haven't settled down, you work too much and you're married to your job.  Don't fucking start with me,"  Nate calmly spoke to him.

"I'll tell you why that is, because I haven't met anyone that has struck me in that way."

"No, you haven't met anyone full stop because you're glued to that bloody desk,"

"At least I'm making a living but you... you're sponging off Jack, he's the one's who's making that company soar, of course you like to think you're helping but you're obviously not,"  Michael spoke truthfully, he could see that Nate was getting angry and proceeded, "I see it in a better light now actually, you always made Jack feel like the black sheep in the family, but you're really the black sheep in disguise, aren't you brother?  Maybe it's a good thing that you bullied him, not that much can come from bullying.  Jack is obviously proving himself - and you, well, you're still -"

Nate's fist connected with Michael's jaw and he felt his face fall back.  It felt like the world had slowed down and as Michael regained his composure, the pain rocketed all around his face.  His lip was busted and he really wanted to pummel his brother but he would only sink down to his level.

"Just leave me the fuck alone," Nate said, glaring at Michael as he stormed off.

"Thanks for answering my question," Michael said, more for himself then anyone else.

Frederica crept into the house she shared with her three flat mates, it was six thirty in the morning and she had gotten lucky with transportation and made it home in one piece. She was strangely full of energy but dishevelled and couldn't wait to jump into the shower and make a go of the day ahead.  After her shower, she had decided to dress up to the weather, it was cold, wet and cloudy so she decided on jeans and a knitted jumper.  She hand towelled her hair dry and made her way out, first things first, she was going to see Jack. 

She took a taxi towards his workshop and knocked on the door, she knew it was early but he worked long hours and wouldn't be surprised he was working now.  The door opened and Frederica put on her best smile, an old lady answered the door.

"Can I help you dear?" she spoke softly.  She was dressed immaculately in a long tea dress and a beige cardigan with a necklace adorned around her neck.  Frederica knew those pearls were real, you could tell.

"Yes, hi, is Jack here?"

"Oh dear, no he isn't... he's in hospital," the old lady spoke.

"Hospital?" Frederica said, "What happened?"

"May I ask who-?" the old lady asked.

"I'm sorry, silly of me not to make introductions... I'm Frederica St. Claire," Frederica said, stumbling over her own words.

"Ah, my grandson has spoken very often of you," she smiled, "Come on, I'll give you a lift to the hospital and you can see him."

Frederica sat in the passenger seat of Jack's grandmother's Fiat Punto, it was the colour of the morning sky, grey.  She was definitely a sharp driver and was very chatty.

"What happened to him?" Frederica asked, clutching her hands together.

"Dear boy was overworked and ended up slicing his hand, lost a bit of blood, but thankfully Nate found him before it was too late,"

"Oh no, poor Jack," Frederica exclaimed.

"Don't worry pet, he will be okay.  He would be happy to see you, he's missed you very much,"  his grandmother said.

"I've missed him too,"  Frederica said, wanting to confide to his grandma, "That's the reason I came back,"

"I know dear, I know," his grandmother put her hand on her lap as if to say she understood.  She parked the car and they both made their way into the hospital.

She understood now, why Jack spent many of his weekends with his grandmother, she was charming, endearing and so easy to talk to.  It almost felt like they had known each other their whole lives, even though they had barely known each other an hour.  In the space of half an hour, she had learnt first hand about Grandma McCalister, the woman she was and how much she loved her her grand sons. Frederica opened the door and saw Jack instantly. He was propped up in bed, the pallor of his skin resembled the hospital sheets he was lying on. Frederica noticed his arm was bandaged heavily, she took the seat closest to him and sat down.  She wouldn't wake him, she would wait.  His grandmother smiled and whispered into her ear, that she would be back later and Frederica thanked her for the lift and the conversation.

Frederica sat in silence.  Her eyes taking in the scene before her, there were no flowers yet, no well wishers as he was admitted only a few hours ago.  He had been bandaged up and put on a drip because he had lost a few pints of blood.  He would need to stop working until his arm had healed up and that could take a couple of weeks, even a a couple months depending on the tissue damage, that would mean work stopped.  And Frederica knew how much work meant to Jack, but it didn't matter, she loved him and she was going to take care of him. 


Jack prised his eyes open, sleep came easy to him, especially when he had woken up dazed to a pool of his own blood.  That's what he remembered anyway. He hadn't known how long he had been out of it, but he was awake now, he couldn't quite believe who was sitting in front of him either, it was Frederica.  She was asleep in the arm chair, her head propped up against the side and her hair falling haphazardly around her shoulders.  She was dressed up simply.  How long had she been here?  It was four o'clock in the afternoon.  He wanted her to join him in bed but his arm was sore and he still felt mildly dizzy.  And on cue, as if she sensed his awakening, she stretched, yawned and woke up.  They sat in silence for what felt like a lifetime, when Jack spoke up,

"How long have you been here?"

Frederica looked at her watch, "A couple of hours, how are you feeling?"

"Like crap, my arm is sore and I feel like I have a massive hangover," Jack replied.

"You poor thing," Frederica said, "How did it happen? I mean, did you look away? Were you distracted?"

Frederica's questions were met with silence.

"Why do I get this feeling that you're not telling me something,"  Frederica said.  She watched as he closed his eyes and tried to avoid answering her questions, "What's going on?"

Jack exhaled, "My brothers were pissing me off, I was in a mood because I was tired, missing you and I just wanted to get on with it- I had one drink but afterwards I couldn't concentrate and I ended up colliding with the blade along my arm- the doctors said I was lucky to not have torn any ligaments or even worse, the bones.  Did Nate call you?"

"No, he didn't," Frederica replied, "So, what's gonna happen with you?"

"I would be discharged soon, but I'm not allowed to touch any machinery until this is all healed.  It's mostly tissue damage but I've gotta take it easy."

"Who's going to handle the making part of the business?"  Frederica asked.

"Nate's gonna have to take over, otherwise we'll definitely be behind," Jack said.

"And what are your plans when you get out of here?" Frederica tentatively asked.

"That all depends on you," Jack said seriously.

"Me? What do you mean?" Frederica knew what Jack wanted to hear but she wanted him to properly ask.

"If Nate didn't call you and no one else did, why are you here?" Jack asked.

"I went to see you at your studio and your grandmother opened the door, it didn't even click to think it was her because I was expecting to see you.  She kinda filled me in on what happened and then drove me here and she's lovely, she's so caring, so sweet, so endearing... reminds me of my grandmother too, before she passed away," Frederica said, "I'm here because I couldn't function after you left, I tried to go about life normally, but I couldn't sleep, I was the worse kind of company for conversation, I was just boring... so I left at the crack of midnight to come and see you, and trust me, I hitch-hiked which my mum would be very appalled to know, just to get here."

"And why the sudden urgency?" Jack asked.

"I'm in love with you and no matter what I try to do to avoid it, that's the most solid thing there is to me," Frederica announced, "I know enough that I want to marry you, to love you, to take care of you."

Jack loved hearing those beautiful words but he hadn't bargained on her proposing, "Don't you think I should be the one going down on bended knees?"

Frederica laughed as she went down on her knees, "I don't think you're in any state to be kneeing down, you can barely move. I'm sorry, I don't have a ring, everything has been done in glorified haste, I'm still getting my bearings in check."

"Frederica get off the floor and give me a kiss," Jack demanded.

"Not until you tell me whether you accept or not," Frederica teased.

"Well, I'm kissing you, aren't I?" Jack smiled and Frederica kissed him and they held on to each other.

19 August 2011

Have You Ever


...  really knew the difference between lust and love?

"So, what is it you exactly do?" my mum asks Jack, as we're all seated around the table in the dining area of the house.

"I make furniture,"  Jack simply replies, tucking into the quiche my mother prepared earlier.

"And what kind of furniture is that?" my mother asks cutting into her steak with her cutlery, but she's really slicing up Jack with her interrogating questions.

"Chairs, recliners, tables but mostly chairs... all made of the finest fair trade wood," Jack says.

"And how much money do you make?" my mother continues with her questioning. 

My mother has been very protective of me lately, partially due to my sister's behaviour towards me and manipulatively turning the whole family against me.  My parents have somewhat become very protective of me since then,  so, it's understandable that they would ask these questions, especially as they've walked in on us getting hot and heavy in the kitchen.

"Cheri darling, I think it's very inappropriate to question the young man on how much he makes for a living," my father quickly squashes that question.

"I'm simply asking him dear, so I know he will take care of my daughter," my mother replies.

Jack grins, "I will always take opportune time to take care of her Mrs St. Claire, she's very special to me."

I can see my dad grinning and nodding his appreciation for his answer.

"So, how did you two meet?" my dad asks.

Jack smiles and looks over to me, which makes me all prickly all over, in a good way.  Jack proceeds to tell the story and I can only gush at what he says, like a teenager with a massive crush.

After dinner, I help mum clean up and dad and Jack head outside and have a man to man talk, I can only imagine what they could be talking about.  Mum's incessant questions are floating around in my head, which I've chosen not to answer because if I answered, I know another twenty would follow. After a few hours, my mother and father retire to bed and it's much to early for me and Jack to go to bed.  Mum and dad insisted Jack stayed over, as he was part of the family, whatever that was supposed to mean.

"Do you want to go for a ride?" Jack asks.

"Where are we going?" I ask.

"Anywhere, come on," he says, as he tugs my hand and leads me out of the door.  He hands me a helmet and I wrap my arms around him as he starts the engine. Going for a ride is amazing, the complete experience is thrilling and exciting and my adrenaline is pumping away and what makes it even more wonderful is that I have a hunky man to hold on to.  Oh my gosh, did I actually say that? A hunky man.  I think we're definitely official but I just want him to tell me we are.

We stop by the side of a road to glance at the view before us, we're on one of the highest peaks and it's breathtaking.  Jack turns towards me and kisses me and I kiss him back but he's the first to draw back, "Come back with me," he whispers, as he threads his fingers through my hair.

I want so badly to say yes but I need to know, where we're heading off to.  I just need to know.  I take a while to answer because what can I say, without sounding like the most insecure of people.  He senses my pause.

"What's the matter?" he looks deep into my eyes and it's almost as if he's searching for something, anything to indicate what the hell is going on with me. I can't look him straight in the eyes without feeling this way and as if understanding he replies, "I know you've been burnt in the past Frederica but I promise you, I'm not like him, I would never in a million years hurt you. Do you love me?"

Oh, that dreaded question, I was hoping to avoid. Do I love him? I'm not sure, y'see, "I don't know."

His face says it all, it's the face of defeat and his eyes stray from mine and I can only come to a conclusion that he loves me. He looks at me and kisses me, which takes me by surprise because I wasn't expecting that, "Come on, let's get back."

Jack returns back to London after spending a few more days with me and the family, we haven't talked about what happened up on the peak a few days ago but I had noticed that he seemed a bit distant with me.  My mum and dad seemed to be getting on with him like a house on fire, they would talk to him about everything and always invited his opinion on things- and I felt slightly left out.  What else is new? Like my welcome to him, our goodbyes were said outside on the gravel drive way and I watched as he sped off into the sunset. Not the kind of ending I had hoped. At the moment, I am spending the time with dad again, in his bedroom watching another re-run of Only Fools & Horses - I'm used to this and sometimes silence is a virtue, but my heart feels heavy and I feel a void.

"Don't think I haven't noticed how subdued you've been since he's left honey bee," my father breaks into my thoughts, "What's the matter? I know there is something definitely up."

"Dad, you know me too well," I say.

"I don't know you honey, I love you and I have to take care of you... so what happened?" my dad looks lovingly at me as he presses pause on the DVD player.

"He didn't so much as say in as many words, but I know he loves me.. I just don't know if I love him," I say, "Am I supposed to know if I love him? Because I'm not too sure."

"There are a great many things that will always remain a mystery in this life, one is women, the second is why you wait for one bus but three come at once and the third is love.  There is just no way of working these things out, no way of determining what it is, you would just know honey bee.  It will hit you one time and then you'll know, not the best of explanations - but the only one I can give.  You've just gotta think that love is like a little mustard seed, you have to nurture it, feed it, water it and in time it will grow.  Nothing happens over night, though I must say if it worked out for Romeo and Juliet, there's surely a lasting chance somewhere along the lines."

"Thanks dad, that's definitely insightful," I say, pondering about it but not really going anywhere with it.

"Can you imagine your life without him? Can you see your life before he came into it?" my father asks.

I think, "Yes, I had a life before him but I can't quite see it clearly enough..."

"Then maybe you are... or maybe you're not or maybe you just won't admit it to yourself... love is a very complex thing, especially when you have given your heart to another, only to have it shredded to shards."

"I definitely know I don't love Eric anymore because he sidled up with Frieda- it's the betrayal of it dad, I don't want to be hurt again, not by Jack, not by anyone," I say disheartened, "Which is funny because when I first saw Jack in Sainsbury's a little bit of me was already in love with him. I was kinda in lust mode."  This is weird speaking to my dad about a subject like this, but it's easy because I'm close to my dad.

"Lust can go two ways, it can grow into obsession or it can simply mature into love," my dad says simply and that's for me to think about, "Take your time pet, there's no deadline for love."

So, why do I feel like there is?


15 August 2011

Have You Ever


... realised that distance makes the heart grow fonder? (And the sex is even hotter?)

My father was discharged from the hospital two weeks ago and is now lounging in bed with a broken leg and a fractured shoulder.  He's sitting comfortably watching re-runs of Porridge and Only Fools & Horses- so he is content.  Some idiot on their mobile phone was texting at the time and hadn't seen dad walking onto the road at a pedestrian crossing and when they had looked up, they tried to swerve to avoid hitting him- and in actual fact ended up hitting him.  I don't know what's more ironic then that. 

"Did you manage to speak to Frieda? How is she doing?" I ask.

"Your sister is a ticking time bomb and I know it's partly due to the hormones but I hadn't realised how spoilt she is- God only knows whether she will be a good enough parent to take care of her baby.  I have faith that Hartley will keep her in check, now that they're expecting," my father says in between bites.

"Yeah, that's Frieda for you," I simply muster.

"Y'know, your mother and me are entirely sorry for the way we have treated you Frederica... honestly, we don't know how more we can-"

I don't particularly want to talk about it, I know my parents are sorry but bringing it up is still a sore point, "Don't worry about it dad, that's all in the past now."

"I know sweetheart, I know but I just want to tell you that we are so sorry... y'know your sister can be completely manipulative and it'd been going for so long... it was like gospel." 

I stare outside the window and suddenly my phone rings and I stare at the phone screen, it's Jack.  I make my excuses and go out on to the balcony to take the call.

"Hi Jack," I say

"Hi Frederica, how are you?" he asks.

"I'm good, just hanging out with dad."

"Oh yeah, how's the old man doing?"

"He still has to have his cast on for a few more weeks yet but he's doing okay.  Thanks for sending the Porridge and Only Fools & Horses box sets, it's keeping him occupied. I'll pay you back when I get back."

"No need to pay me back, consider it a gift- speaking of getting back, when are you coming back?"

"I'm not sure Jack, whilst mum goes out, I'm kinda left here to take care of dad but am looking to open up a store here though, so who knows when I will be back. How's everything with you?"

"Work is crazy, I've been working like a dog but the company is flourishing,"  Jack says.

"That's great news, I'm so happy for you."

"Thanks Frederica, I was thinking of taking a holiday for a couple of days,"  Jack says.

"Oh really, where you planning to go?" Frederica says, keeping an eye on her dad.

"Paris," Jack replies simply.

"Paris, eh?" Frederica smiles into the handset, "When are you planning to take the days off?"

"Oh, y'know, maybe this weekend... wanted to know if you'll be around?" Jack asks.

"Around? Yeah, I'm not really going anywhere..."

"Cool, if you could drop me a text with your address, I'll come and visit you."

"Sure, I'll do that."

"Great! I better be off, gotta finish things off here before I vacate out of here... see you soon," Jack says and hangs up. 

I take a look at the scenery before me, take a glance at the landscape and sigh, Jack's coming to see me in Paris. Paris. He's been calling every day since I've been in France and sometimes our conversations seem to stem from the completely unreal to more focal issues like dad and shops etc.  I'm still confused to what we are and where we're going but I'm excited that he's coming to see me.  I don't have many friends here, just dad, mum and me.  I head back into the room and my dad looks at me.

"Was that him?" he asks.

"Him?" I say, trying to be discreet.

"Y'know your boyfriend?" my dad says, "The bloke who sent over these DVDs."

"He's not my boyfriend dad," I say, taking my seat once again.

"Are you sure? He seems to be calling you somewhat a lot since you've been here.  Y'know when I was courting your mother, she ignored me for some time in our early courtship but that made me want her even more," my dad begins.

"Dad, I hardly think Jack is wooing me," I say.

"Yes, but he is calling you a lot," he points out.

"Because he's one of my good friends,"  I reply back.

"Yes, but even good friends don't call incessantly, every day just to see how you are.  I think that man has a soft spot for you."

"Dad, I really don't want to talk about it," I say.

"Now, now Fred... I know you've been hurt in the past but you can't let the past stop you from being happy- say he's the one? Eh?" My dad obviously won't let the conversation topic drop, "No matter how hard you try to avoid it, or however hard you try to think nothing is going to come out of it love, destiny has a way of bringing him to you."

"Since when did you become so hopeful dad?" I ask.

"Oh honey, I've always been hopeful... it's what being in love feels like and you will feel like that, I'm sure."

"After almost thirty years with your mother, there hasn't been a day I haven't questioned my love for her- without her, I'd be nothing and I certainly wouldn't be the man I am today,"

"This is corny dad," I say, embarrassed.

"Corny but true," he responds.

"But how did you know you loved her and that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with her?" I ask, because I don't know what love is...

"As silly as it might sound, you just know- there's no way of describing it. You just know," he says.

"That really helps dad," I say.  Could I be in love with Jack?  I don't really know him as well, as I should, but what does knowing him have anything to do with what I feel for him? I haven't even slept with him, what if sleeping with him will change things- of course it will change things, how could it not.  I'll think about it and face it when Jack gets here and that's four days away.  Four days with my thoughts.


My iPhone beeps, it's a text message from Jack, he's ten minutes away- luckily mum has taken dad out on a little excursion, so I have the house all to myself and can avoid any unwanted questions.  I've dressed up in a loose cardi that exposes a shoulder and jeans.  I practically live in jeans when I'm around at my parents, my hair is braided and I've put on a bit of slap on today, of course, I want to come across effortless but I still want to look pretty.  I'm a bunch of nerves at the moment- I haven't seen Jack in almost two weeks and I really miss him.  I can't wait to see him.  Everything is in working order over in London, Keira has been taking care of the bakery whilst I've been away and have received countless text messages from Ronan whinging about Charlotte.  What else is new there.  I can hear an engine pull up in the drive and automatically open the door and see Jack getting off his bike and take off his helmet.  He looks up and smiles and I walk towards him.  He settles his helmet on his bike and notice straight away, his hair has grown and looks very Zac Efron-esque, he's wearing his biker jacket. 

"Hey you," he smiles and walks towards me and pulls me into a bear hug, "God, I've missed you."  He whispers as I hear him inhale the scent of my hair, "God, you smell good too." And it's weird, because I can almost feel his smile as well. 

I can't help but say it too, "I've missed you too."  And I look him in the eye, "How was your journey? I can't believe you brought your bike."

"I hate Eurostar and I love my bike, no fuss there," he touches the side of my face with his fingers, as if he can't quite believe I'm standing right in front of him.

"You must be starving?" I ask but he draws closer and kisses me, his arms linking around my waist as I take his face into my hands.

Somehow from the gravel drive way, we've found ourselves tearing each other's clothes off in the guest bedroom.  He's licking, tasting and kissing me everywhere and I can only think about amazing and utterly sexy he makes me feel. I can't get enough of him- he kisses his way down the column of my neck to the valley of my breasts, taking his time suckling my nipples and making me even more aroused before.  He kisses lightly my stomach and then makes his way down towards my sacred spot and then impact. I gasp, oh my gawd.  He's making love to my inner core, I gasp, losing myself in his mouth and before I can come, he stops and I look down to see his cheeky grin. 

"I want to see you come when I'm inside you," he says seductively and that is the most sexiest thing, I have ever heard him say.

He sheaths himself and slowly enters me, he's big and for me, it's been a while. He's kissing me, caressing me and bit by bit, I'm accomodating him. He's big. I wince and he stops mid-way, "Am I hurting you?"

"No," it's barely a whisper, "I want you now."

And that's all I say, as he starts a slow thrust and works up momentum.  I can feel myself free falling over the edge and as my pants come quicker, I notice his eyes are fastened on my face, never leaving my face and I come and a few seconds later, he does too.  He's still on top of me, kissing me and eventually withdraws and lies breathless beside me.  He draws me into his embrace and suddenly, drowsy, I fall asleep, happy and content.

I wake up suddenly- turn to my side and notice Jack asleep beside me.  His brown hair covers his eyes and I realise, how beautiful he looks. I get up and shower in the ensuite bathroom and put on a dress and head downstairs, there's still no sign of my parents - which is good as I don't feel I have to explain my actions.  I put the kettle on and reheat the food.  Minutes later, Jack walks down in just his jeans and his chest is bare and I can do nothing but stare.  Is my tongue rolling on the floor?  We say nothing to each other but he looks at me, a look I've never seen before and I feel myself blush.

"Are you hungry?" I ask, but he says nothing and walks towards me and kisses me smack bang on the lips.  He kisses like I have never been kissed before, he touches my wet hair in his hands and my hands are on his chest, we're so lost in each other, it's crazy, yet neither of us notices the front door open and both my parents standing at the door gawping.

11 August 2011

Have You Ever

This post is dedicated to my loving grandmother who always cared deeply and who I'll always remember as a great woman in my life.


... felt thankful for normality?

It's back to work as usual and I'm finishing up the cupcakes for Jack and Nathan's event at The Church - Jack has been helping me with them, and by helping he's been supplying me with food and just keeping me company.  He likes watching me work and I don't mind it. I really enjoy his company, he's a funny guy and a great listener.  We've been growing closer with the days in between my sister's arrival and the upcoming event.  After the debacle in the hospital and my sister's true colours shining through, my parents almost denounced her but with my persuasive talking, I've had to reason with them. I also spoke to them about how I felt and they apologised profusely- like a miscarriage of justice, I was heavily compensated with hugs and kisses and they have invited me over to France when I have some time to spare.  So, all is good in Fred-town.

I'm just finishing off a centrepiece I have secretly been working on, when Jack hasn't been keeping me company in the evenings, it's the picture that I had seen a couple of nights ago, the one that Jack had shown me. The centrepiece is entirely made of cupcakes, every single one is brought together to make an overall picture and its mainly to say thank you to Jack for being such a great guy.  I'm still not sure as to what we are, are we friends or are we more? I'm at a loss, having been out of the dating game for so long and I'm scared of misreading his signals, err, just thinking about it is making me nervous. I have under an hour to finish this off, before I deliver it. 


"That looks bloody brilliant, fuck, you must have spent ages on that," that's Nathan. He's Jack's brother, his response to the centrepiece as it's being put down at the event. Nathan resembles Jack a lot, I mistook him for being Jack at Sainsburys a few weeks ago, that's how I know him and know about this event. I try scanning for Jack but I don't notice about anywhere. And as if reading my thoughts, Nathan confirms that he's still at the studio organising pieces to go on display. As I finish setting up, I leave a few of my business cards lying around, wouldn't hurt to drum up more business and tell Nathan that I've got to go back to the shop to close up and will be back.  He gives me a peck on the cheek and scoffs down a cupcake as a head for the door.

I get home eventually, shower and dress and it's only when I'm leaving to go to The Church, that my iPhone rings.  It's my mum.

"Hi mum, how are you?"

There's hysterical crying on the other end and I can only fathom what this could mean.

"Mum, what's the matter?" I say, clutching the phone to my ear and dumping my clutch bag on the couch.

"It's your father, he's been knocked over... he's in surgery at the moment, oh Frederica, I don't know what to do,"  my mother is weeping down the phone. 

"Okay mum, don't worry... I'm on my way, I'll book the next flight out.  Text me the details of the hospital, I'm on my way," I hang up, dump my phone on the couch and run upstairs, crazily dumping clothes into my hand carry. I grab my phone and I'm out of the door within half an hour, fingers crossed for a flight... I hope my dad is okay.


The Church

"Jack, you have got to see this!" Nathan leads the way to the centrepiece where other people have congregated to admire the piece, "Bloody brilliant, don't you think?"

Jack's eyes focus on the cupcakes, "Amazing."

"She obviously put a lot of work into it, I mean look at our logo- it's the hardest mother fucker to draw but she bloody iced it, I swear we didn't ask for this right?" Nathan says.

"We didn't, it's very sweet of her that's for sure," Jack smiles to himself, "Where is she by the way?"

"She said she had to close up shop, go home but that she would be back," Nathan said, "Y'know women, might need to pamper one's self."

The evening wears on and Jack continues to look at his watch and his phone from time to time, but still Frederica doesn't show.  He networks through the crowd of people, asking him the same old questions about sourcing out the wood, the textiles, where everything is made etc. The answers are spoken like a broken record, he smiles but this is the part of the business that he doesn't enjoy.  After the clients start to dissipate, he sits down in one of the rocking chairs and pulls out his phone and notices the flashing 'textbox' message flashing on the screen.  He clicks on it and notices it's just an update for his phone.  He calls Frederica but she goes straight to voicemail and he hangs up.  It's only an hour later, the cupcakes are packed up from the display after serious picture taking and they are given out to the staff.  Jack bundles the samples in the back of the lorry, where the driver will deposit at the studio.

"What's up with you mate?" Nathan says smacking him on the shoulders, "You've been some lost puppy since you got here."

Jack remains quiet.  He hates discussing his personal life with his brother, the last time he had made that mistake, they shared more then just blood, they shared his woman.

"I'm going for a walk, I'll see you later," Jack says, grabbing his coat and making his way out. 

Minutes later, his feet have somewhat taken him to the doorstep of Frederica's house and he's reaching out to press the door bell when the door opens.

"Jack, what you doing here?" It's Charlotte, obviously making her way out.

"I've come to see Frederica, is she in?" Jack asks.

"I'm not sure, I've been here a while... come on in," Charlotte says and Jack steps in, seems everyone is in the lounge watching a movie and binging out.

Everyone waves him in and says hello and Charlotte asks, "Has anyone seen Frederica at all?"

It's Ronan who speaks up, "No, but she left me a text message on my phone... completely forgot to tell you guys, but she's had to take a flight out to Paris... she loves Paris, she's planning to set up a shop there, y'know expand the business and all..."

"So, she's gone to set up a shop?" Jack asks.

"No, she's gone over there because her father was involved in an accident."

"Is he alright?" asks Toni who stops mid-chip.

"Dunno, that's all she texted. Must have been pretty urgent if she had fly out... I mean, she's the only reliable daughter her parents have."

"Do you know when she's gonna get back?" Jack asks.

"No idea mate, no idea. Have you tried calling?" Ronan asks.

"It's going to voicemail," Jack says.

"She probably hasn't had a chance to put her phone on roaming," Charlotte chips in and ushers Jack to a seat and hands him a beer, "Don't worry, I'm sure she'll call you... what's the occasion anyway?"

"Nosey cow, our Lottie, always wants to know other people's business," teases Ronan.

Charlotte rolls her eyes at Ronan and looks at Jack for answers.

"Just wanted to see her," Jack replies simply.

"That's love for ya, L-O-V-E... love," Toni says with a mouth full.